Ain't Nothing But a Memory
by 6275mystic
Summary: A tragic accident leaves Arthur in shambles.  All he has are his memories to comfort him. No this is not a songfic.  WARNING: Arthur/MerlinSLASH
1. Chapter 1

He was young. He had raven hair, with a huge smile always plastered on his handsome face. Now I long to see his smile. I long for him to be near me; for no one else understood me as he did. I loved him; I still love him, like no other man. I loved him more than anyone else in the world. I never told him how I feel and now I will never be able to. I do my kingly duties as before but with less enthusiasm now he's not by my side. I lie around waiting for him to return even though I know he never will. My memories serve me no good as all the time we spent together comes rushing back into my head…

"_Merlin you really need to stop getting yourself locked up in the stocks. Do you really want to smell like rotten food for the rest of your life?" I was over exaggerating but it really did smell bad. I teased him while helping him remove the bits of vegetables lodged in his unruly hair. He was smiling then laughing. 'What a wonderful laugh he has,' I think to myself. Soon I'm confused as to why he's laughing, so I ask him. _

"_I'm laughing because you're helping me get food out of my hair. Which is the oddest thing, considering I'm your servant, sire," he chuckled. _

"_That doesn't matter. You shouldn't have been put in the stocks in the first place. No servant of mine should have to do anything without my consent." Concern laced my words as I continued to stroke my fingers through Merlin's hair._

"_There's no need to worry, for I've not been hurt, have I? Please Arthur whatever your father finds best is what should be." I finished washing his hair and went into the closet to find him a shirt._

"_Here's one of one of my shirts. You can wear it." I said while tossing it to him. He caught it and started taking off his shirt. I watched him intently as his muscles rippled while taking off his own dirty shirt. I always had depicted Merlin for being more lean than muscular. Apparently I was wrong. He finished and I was still staring at him._

"_What?" he asked._

_I blinked a few times coming back to reality. "Oh, uh, it's nothing," I looked away blushing and cursing myself for my own stupidity. Then something slipped from my mouth I never thought I was going to say. "Except you are one of the most beautiful people have ever seen." As I turn a darker shade of red than before the room falls into an uncomfortable silence. The light is leaving and soon it becomes dusk. Merlin gets up and starts towards the door._

"_If everything is to your liking I would prefer to take my leave, sire," this time he is not mocking with his tone. _

"_Wait," I say and grab his hand before trapping him between my body and the door. "There is one more thing I would like to do before you depart. But only with your consent." I hear his breath hitch and he says a quiet 'yes' before I lean down. His lips are soft, he opens his mouth giving me access to roam with my tongue. He moans as I deepened the kiss, putting my thigh between his leg and holding his neck with my hand. I break it off, gasping for air. Pulling back I lift my weight off his body and turn around afraid he was going to reject me, after he realized what I did._

_Instead what he did surprised me. Grabbing my arm he turned me to face him again and pressed his lips onto mine. The euphoric joy that crossed my entire being was amazing. He pulled away first this time and drew me into a hug._

"_Please look at me," Merlin said. I raised my eyes and immediately all the shame of what I just did left me. The deep blue pools that stared kindly into mine showed no anger, but affection._

"_I thought you would be angry with me for kissing you. That maybe you didn't want to kiss me. Like I forced you to do it." I was nervously wringing my hands; which I noticed was an extremely queer thing to do._

"_I'm not angry with you," Merlin soothed. "If I wanted to get away I would have already."_

"_How? You're practically half my size. How would you be able to get away from me?" I was highly confused by now and needed an explanation._

"_Well I kind of have to show you…" He looked nervous. "But if I do you must promise that you will accept my ability and not report me to your father, please." He was pleading with me. Merlin __never__ pleads with anyone, especially not __me__. But why would he ask me not to report him? I was curious._

"_I promise, Merlin, you will not be reported for whatever you are going to show me. I will accept your ability and keep you safe at all cost." I was sincere with my promise and wanted him to believe it was true._

"_Thank you," he said quietly. Then something odd happened; his eyes flashed gold and he raised his hand. "Turn around." I did and couldn't believe what I saw. A glowing light blue/silver ball of light was floating in the middle of the room. I was in awe at his power, knowing that this was the same ball of light that led me out of the cave when I was getting the flower to cure him._

"_But how did you know that I was in trouble when I was getting the plant?"_

"_I didn't somehow my subconscious knew and sent it. Truly I was so far out of it didn't even know that you had even gone until Gaius told me that you saved me." _

"_I never even realized something this amazing could be. You have probably saved me so many times without my knowing. Thank you, I mean that, Merlin. This… how can I ever repay you for what you've done for me?"_

"_I don't want anything in return, sire," as he said this there was something loving and kind in his voice. "There is nothing I can ask you for that you would give me willingly."_

"_What do you mean nothing I would give you willingly? Merlin I would give you anything, I risk my life for you time and time again as you do when you use magic for me. Why would I not give you anything you wanted?"_

"_Because what I ask is too much for me to even ask you. I don't want you to think that you're obligated to feel the same way about me. That is why I don't ask you to give me what I want, not only because I can't but I am also afraid of rejection. It stings more than you know." The hurt in his eyes was apparent like he had gone through something the same before. Before I knew it I was reaching out to him. I put my hand on the side of his face, caressing his cheek with my thumb. He leaned into my hand subconsciously and closed his eyes. _

"_Merlin something is bothering you. Please, tell me, I'll understand, you know that. I understand about a lot of things, but you don't tell me." His eyes shot open immediately and pupils dilated. In anger?_

"_What do you know of rejection Arthur?" my name was spat at me like venom. "How could you know when you are loved your entire life? You're worshipped like a god and no one would defy you or can defy you. I was rejected by my entire village, save my own mother. Then she sent me here to make a better life for myself in no magic or else you die Camelot, which is ruled by an unfair king and his prick of a son, Arthur!" Now I felt it. That sting that makes you want to gasp out loud. I immediately saw the regret in his eyes at what he had just said. "I'm sorry! I really am. I don't know what came over me; my emotions have never been that out of control." _

_Regret in his eyes and the hate towards someone was so clear but I didn't know which one was more apparent. "Merlin…"_

"_Please forgive me, I… ever since I was forced out of my village I've had this anger rising up in me that I didn't think would come out so easily. I'm-"_

"_Merlin! It's fine. You're forgiven, but please tell me what's wrong. You said something about being forced out of your village, tell me about that."_

_He looked like he was about to cry. "Come here," I said and pulled him into a hug. He buried his head in my neck and cried. He was so vulnerable, I never noticed it before. He's always so strong and cocky that I never noticed the storm raging inside my best friend. I stopped crying a little while later and began to talk of his life. _

_He talked. He wept. He brought forth all these things I never knew. This caused my heart to feel heavily for him and his sorrows. I care for him even more than before. He trusts me with his entire being and I would protect him with mine. _

_He stopped talking and we just sat there. I heard his breathing become heavier and his head sunk even further into my neck causing my heart to speed up slightly. I sigh contentedly and pull him onto the bed. After taking off my shoes and shirt I crawled into my bed next to him and fell asleep with my head on his soft, warm chest…_

**Please comment I don't know if this is a very good idea and I need your opinion. Thanks for reading! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Please don't make fun of the jokes. I didn't make them up a friend did so blame them. You're so lucky… By the way I don't own Merlin wish I did but whatever. Anyway on to the story.**

There were so many things that I wanted to do with him. So many adventures that we didn't have. I miss him so much. It's like there's a hole left in my heart where he should be. I didn't know anything could actually hurt me so much that when I wake up in the morning I ache to see him, to feel him, to hear his voice. His love was the only thing I really had and now he's gone just like my mother. Father has noticed the change in my mood but has not asked me about it yet. I assume he knows what it is, but that never really concerned him before.

He found out when Merlin and I were training in the yard. I was throwing corny puns like 'my sword is bigger than yours' or 'pounding you is ecstasy'. It was quite embarrassing but I got over it after he said it was fine. I was still his son so he would accept me, queer or (he'd been hoping) not. My love for Merlin grew day after day. I wanted to tell him but I was afraid he would push me away if I did. That's why I never told him, I just showed him instead…

_I was still confused at what he said to me on the first night we kissed. That was a few weeks ago and we have almost been inseparable since. We were back in my room after training the new recruits. It usually took a long time to get them up to my standards and having Merlin there made me go softer on them than I would have if he wasn't there. _

"_Merlin?" I asked a bit hesitantly but my curiosity drove me forward._

"_Yes Arthur, what would you like?"_

_I gestured for him to come sit on by bed with me. He sat farther away than I liked so I snuck my arm around his hips and pulled him to me. The young wizard gasped and turned red at the sudden contact. Leaning over I started to nibble on his ear. Whispering to him, "what is the thing you wanted from me on the night of our first kiss?"_

"_I c-can't tell y-you…" He stuttered as I began to bite his neck and lick up his jaw line._

"_Why not? You know *lick* you can tell *kiss* me anything, right?" By that time he could hold still so I picked him up and dropped him ungracefully onto the bed. I looked up at him with lustful eyes. Slowly lifting his shirt I kissed every inch of skin I could reach. I had him gasping and moaning by the time I reached his pink buds._

"_Yesssss," he hissed in pleasure as I took the first one in my mouth and bit softly. "I-I do knOOWW that, b-but I can't AAAHHsk for s-something you shouldn't give…" he trailed off. Pulling his shirt over his head I leaned down and kissed him passionately. 'Then I'll just have to tease him until he tells me.' I thought evilly. I made my way back down to his pants cupping his bulge and heard a moan rip through his throat. Slowly I dragged his pants off him releasing his member. He moaned as I slowly ran my tongue along his erection. I continued at this pace until he was a begging, pleading mess._

"_Please Arthur go faster I can't take it anymore, please." _

"_I will once you tell me what you want."_

"_This is absurd! You are such a bastard!"_

"_Hey, is that anyway to talk to your future king?" I engulfed his member with my mouth. Slowly bobbing my head and swirling my tongue lazily around the head, until he cried out._

"_F-fuck, fine I'll tell Arthur, I'll tell you." I stopped and looked at him expectantly. He gulped audibly and began to speak once more, "I wanted you to give me your heart…." I looked at him skeptically, wondering what could possibly be going on in his head that made him think I wouldn't give him everything and anything he ever wanted or needed. "Don't look at me like that. You would be scared too if you were telling someone that you loved them." He clapped his hand over his mouth like he hadn't meant to say it. I was so overjoyed, moving his hand away from his face I claimed his mouth pushing my tongue past his mouth and ravishing him with everything I had. He moaned into the kiss and I pulled away._

_I quickly got some oil and slicked my fingers; prodding at his entrance I pushed two fingers past that tight ring. He whimpered at the third that joined the other two. I searched inside of him for that special spot. He gasped out, "ARTHUR!" and I knew I found it. I rubbed vigorously until he was panting even harder and sweating profusely. He grabbed my shoulders and looked directly into my eyes. "Do it now, Arthur. Push into me and fuck me, fuck me so hard I cum all over. Then I want you to cum deep inside me." I could feel myself harden further and aligned myself with his hole._

"_Are you ready?" He nodded and I pushed in slowly until I was in to the hilt."So t-tight!" I looked down at the sight before me. Merlin was red in the face, eyes clenched closed, skin glistening with sweat, he looked like a god. I cared for him so much, __so, so much.__ I wanted to stay in that moment forever with him beneath me, all around me. That was before he moved him hips and wrapped his legs around my hips. I moaned and pumped leisurely in and out, in and out. He was moaning and writhing beneath me, in ecstasy._

"_Arthur, faster, oh gods, faster please!" I complied with his request pulling out and snapping my hips quickly back into his ass hitting his prostate. "ARTHUR!" I repeatedly hit that place with each thrust. He was getting close, I could feel his inner walls clenching and unclenching around my member. "S-so close!" _

"_Me too!" I panted and wrapped my hand around his neglected organ and pumped in time with my thrusts. He came onto our stomach not too long later. Feeling him squeezing around me caused my orgasm. I rode it out and collapsed on top of him. I came off my high and felt a soft peck on my head. I pulled out of him and kissed him gently. I wanted to tell him that I loved him to but I couldn't form the words in my mouth. So instead I just laid there with his head on my chest and fell asleep….._

I was still in a feast with my father and many of his usual guests. I weeping at the table in my chair next to father's. I looked at him and he understood; excusing myself from the table I nearly ran from the room to my bedroom where I continued to weep well into the night. My father knew I was suffering but he didn't know what to do. The only person who had ever died on him was mother and he didn't handle it too well. I fell asleep with red eyes and a sore throat from crying. This is how I spent most of my nights due to the loneliness.

**A/N: please review I need to know if this was any good or not I'll take any comments at all I just want to become a better writer! Thanks for reading. Oh! And there will be one more chapter. Till next time ;P**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: this is going to be based on the episode where Arthur kills a Unicorn and he drinks the 'poison,' but as we all know this was not really poison just sleeping draft. Also half the memories will be Merlin's PoV and the other half will be Arthur's I will tell which is which when we switch persons. I know it's weird because he's dead but it's the only way I could find without skipping right past his death. But the no italic type will always be Arthur POV. You'll understand more as the story starts!**

I stayed in bed the next day and the day after. I refused food and didn't let anyone into my room. Father grew worried and came storming in one day telling me to get up and get one with my life. I told him that he was my other half, that we were two sides of one coin. He didn't understand my words and left in a huff.

_Merlin's PoV_

_Gedref the unicorn keeper was calling after me as I ran away from the table that held a dead Arthur. I couldn't think, I could barely breathe as I fell into some corner if this godforsaken labyrinth. I love him; I will always love him… until I die…. Please consume me take away this pain inside me knowing he's gone... _

I always thought that we would be together. There was no doubt in my mind that we were going to pretty much rule side by side until the end of my life. I feel as if someone had ripped out my heart and used it as an arrow target. Every time I think of him that thudding pain hits me. Why did he do that? Why didn't he stay for the explanation that man could have given him? Why did I drink that? If I hadn't have drunk that stupid thing then he would still be here. But everyone else would have been gone and that wouldn't have made it any better.

_My magic consumed me. It was like a whirl wind had started around me devouring everything in its path. Soon I felt like I was drifting away from this world. Slowly but surely the pain was dissipating and I was gone, free of a world full of aching for him to be there again. All insecurity and wondering if he loved me or not vanished. This was my end, too…._

_Arthur's PoV_

_I heard a snap like something was cracking through the darkness that came over me and dragging me back to reality. Gedref was there and telling something incoherent. Pulling me to a standing position he told me to go after my friend._

"_Why? What happened? Is something wrong; tell me now?" I was frantically pacing and shaking my hands in the air._

"_I don't know but you must go get him I fear something terrible has happened but I can't tell what it is. Go now, you have passed."_

_All I could think about was him as I ran through the maze. I came to the center of the labyrinth and there was a circle that looked like a tornado landed there and then went straight back up. Nothing else around it was destroyed. Walking forward I saw a small lump in the middle. I ran tears streaming down my face knowing the worst was coming. I cradled his head in my arms softly rocking back and forth; I was crying so much I could barely see. _

"_No, no, no," I whimpered over and over, praying this was just a dream a horrible nightmare that I couldn't wake from. "Please dear god if you are merciful let this not be real. I love him, I do. Bring him back, I have no one else just bring him back to me. Let me love him like he should have been loved," weeping I sat there saying sad I love you's into his hair. I would never see his bright face smiling up at me. I would never see his glazed pleasured looked as we 'cuddled' (that's what he called it) after making love. Half of me was gone so how does someone go on without half of themselves._

_I couldn't do it by myself. I carried him back to my room. People tried to stop me and take him from me, but I kept moving forward to my room where I laid him. I wept there until I fell asleep then woke up and found his cold hand still held by mine. Then I cried even more, my father came in not soon after and released me from my daze leading me into the dining hall. While the servants took his body redressing him and putting him into a box. _

_The funeral was at the end of the day. They had to hold me back from jumping into the pit with him. I had to sit there at watch the only person I would ever love be lowered into the ground never to be returned to life…._

I sit here at his grave a sword to my chest waiting for the courage to come to me. Press down straight into my heart, drifting slowly into oblivion. Blood seeping through me and onto the ground, onto his grave. We become one again in another life; where I will tell him I love him and he is there waiting for me to hold him and never let go.

**A/N: Please tell if you liked it by reviewing. Tell me if it was too rushed or repetitive. I need to know, thank you for all your wonderful comments before, bye!**


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